While I was driving around town today, I was listening to the radio. Although, to be accurate, I wasn't so much listening to the radio as I was desperately trying to find something worth listening to on the radio. You see, Denver is strange. Despite being a big city, Denver has really bad radio stations. It breaks down as such:
5 NPR stations. I can't listen to these because, to my ears, the worst sound in the universe is that of overly sincere lady NPR commentator's voice.
2 Classic Rock stations. I can't listen to these because I get violently angry every time a radio station assumes that, because I like the Beatles, I must also like John Mellencamp and that horrific Sign, Sign dirty hippy song.
7 Modern Pop stations. I can't listen to these because I die a little bit inside every time I hear a Katy Perry song.
3 Sports Radio stations. Aside from ESPN radio, which is always at commercial break, my options are either to listen to local radio hosts calling for Josh McDaniel's fingers to be cut off or to listen to Jim Rome. If you've never heard Jim Rome before, imagine the sound of fingernails scraping across a chalkboard. Then imagine that those fingernails have a really huge ego. That's Jim Rome.
147 Mariachi stations. Mariachi stations, I'm convinced, are a big conspiracy financed by the global Mexican Restaurant Industry, intended to make me want chips and salsa every time I hear happy trumpets.
4 Contemporary Christian Music stations.
Today, I stopped on one of these stations for a moment. At the time, I did not know it was a CCM station. I did not know this because it took at least seven seconds before I realized that the song playing was a CCM song and not a commercial jingle for a car or car dealership. The reason it took at least seven seconds to realize this was because the CCM song sounded exactly like a commercial jingle for a car or car dealership. It was not until the singers stated singing something about being in God's presence (and not Toyota Camrys) that I realized what was going on.
And, as far as Church music goes, that should be considered a big fail. If you are singing a song of praise to God, that song should not be easily confused with Rattle, Rattle, Thunder, Clatter, Boom, Boom, Boom...
My name is Pastor Hans Fiene. Thanks for reading.