Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Biblical Revisionism Reenactment #1

Today I am introducing a new feature that I will forget all about after I run out of ideas in two or three weeks.  This feature is called "Biblical Revisionism Reenactment."  Here's why I'm doing it and how it works:

Pure doctrine comes from the Bible.  The way we learn things about God is by looking at what He has said and done in Biblical texts, Biblical words, Biblical events.  So, for example, we can make the doctrinal assertion that Jesus has conquered death because His physical resurrection, proclaimed in the Bible, tells us this.  Quite simply, when we have the right conclusions (pure doctrine), it's because we have the right source (the Bible).

And so, whenever you have the wrong conclusions, it's because you have the wrong source.  Whenever you hold to false doctrine, this happens because you're not properly connected to the Bible.  And whenever you believe things about God that are contrary to His Word, you're ultimately trying to revise the Scriptures, whether you realize it or not.  Generally speaking, the more you have to mangle what the Bible says to make it fit with what you believe, the worse the situation is.  BRR, therefore, is an attempt to show how false and dangerous various teachings are by showing how much they require you to change the original Biblical foundations.  It is also an attempt to be funny.  And it is an attempt to do both of these things in dramatic fashion.  Hence the "reenactment" part.

So let's begin.  Oh, but before we begin:

Note 1: BRR is, by nature, satirical.  The goal of satire is to show the foolishness of an idea by making fun of it.  Because I'm satirizing theological teachings in dramatic fashion, this means that each reenactment will have a Biblical setting and feature Biblical characters.  It is important to remember in all of this that I am not mocking the Bible.  I am mocking a denial of what actually happened in the Bible.  It's not much different than when Elijah mocks the prophets of Baal by suggesting that their false god has failed to answer their prayers because he's going potty.  So if you think I'm being irreverent, please make sure you've mastered the concept of nuance before getting mad at me.

Note 2:  Each edition of BRR will be presented in screenplay formatting so that it may be easily adapted into a film series.  My first choice for director is Jonathan Fisk.  If he's not available, I will settle for the universe's greatest Lutheran filmmaker: John Woo.

So, here we go.  For real this time.

Biblical Revisionism Reenactment #1: Pontius Pilate and the Chief Priests
Silly Teaching: Jesus was put to death for teaching people to be nice to each other.

EXT. PILATE’S PALACE - DAY

FADE IN:

PONTIUS PILATE approaches the door of his palace. CHIEF
PRIEST 1 and CHIEF PRIEST 2 run up to him, stopping him just
before he can open the door.

CHIEF PRIEST 1
Hey Pilate, we’d like a word with
you.

CHIEF PRIEST 2
Yeah, we don’t like what you wrote
above Jesus’ cross there.

PILATE
Oh, come on, guys. What I’ve
written I’ve written.  Alright, I
know you wanted it to say, "He said
I am King of the Jews," but you’re
just gonna have to get over it.

CHIEF PRIEST 2
What? King of the...No, what idiot
would want you to write that? No,
it should read, "This man told us
to be nice to each other."

PILATE
Uh...I’m sorry, what?

CHIEF PRIEST 1
Yeah, I know! Can you believe he
said that?

PILATE
No, I mean why would you want it to
say "he told us to be nice to each
other."

CHIEF PRIEST 2
Cause he totally said that!

PILATE
Well, yeah, I know. But what does
that have to do with his
crucifixion?

CHIEF PRIEST 1
What do you mean? That’s exactly
why we wanted him crucified!

PILATE
For saying "be nice?"

CHIEF PRIEST 2
Uh, yeah.

PILATE
Are you sure? Because I thought
you wanted him killed for saying he
was the Son of God. I thought that
was against your religion.

CHIEF PRIEST 2
Nah, that stuff was cool. It’s all
that nice talk that’s against our
religion.

PILATE
Being nice is against your
religion?

CHIEF PRIEST 1
Yeah. Seriously, you can check out
our books. It’s handed down from
Abraham. Dry shave the poor. Drop
kick the hungry. And kill anyone
who tells you to be nice.

PILATE
So when Jesus preached in his
hometown and people wanted to throw
him off a cliff, that wasn’t
because he said the Spirit of the
Lord was upon him. That was
because?

CHIEF PRIEST 2
He told them to hold the door open
for old ladies.

PILATE
And when you picked up stones to
throw at him, that wasn’t because
he claimed to be God. That was
because?

CHIEF PRIEST 1
He said you shouldn’t stab a guy if
he owes you money. We like
stabbing guys.

PILATE
And so that whole thing about how
you’d rat me out to Caesar if I
didn’t put him to death for
claiming to be your king?

CHIEF PRIEST 2
Yeah, we were just messing with
you. We just wanted him dead
before he told us to say "please"
and "thank you."

PILATE
OK, well, uh...You know, again,
I’ve written what I’ve
written. So, sorry.

CHIEF PRIEST 1
Oh, dude. Don’t apologize.

PILATE
Why not?

CHIEF PRIEST 2
Apologizing is nice.

CHIEF PRIEST 1
Yeah. And we don’t like nice.

Chief Priest 1 and Chief Priest 2 stare at Pilate,
intimidation oozing out of their eyes. Pilate
cautiously opens the door.

PILATE
OK, well, I’m just gonna...I’m
gonna go ahead and...

Pilate slips inside the door.

PILATE
You guys are weird.

Pilate slams the door shut.

FADE OUT.

7 comments:

Maanum's Meandering Musings said...

"We like stabbing guys." Nice touch.

You missed the obvious John Woo reference in the screen play... it should say, "PRIEST 1 and CHIEF PRIEST 2 run up to him in a very cool and stylized way that's in slow motion with doves flying around Pilate, stopping him just before he can open the door."

Plus there should be a stand-off with guns, or swords involved.

Dan at Necessary Roughness said...

This rocks. Keep them coming.

Pastor Fiene said...

Thanks, guys!

Ed, I think the reason I like you so much is because you're so much like me:-)

Stephen K. Preus said...

"Dry shave the poor." Their pettiness is a great touch!

Kevin said...

Nicely done. I'll be waiting for future installments. Maybe I can use these for children's sermons...

Maanum's Meandering Musings said...

I could say the same about you Hans.

Oh, and San Dimas High Football rules!

kyriosity said...

And why hasn't this been made into a video yet? Hmmmm? [impatiently drumming fingers on table]