Biblical Revisionism Reenactment #1

Today I am introducing a new feature that I will forget all about after I run out of ideas in two or three weeks.  This feature is called "Biblical Revisionism Reenactment."  Here's why I'm doing it and how it works:

Pure doctrine comes from the Bible.  The way we learn things about God is by looking at what He has said and done in Biblical texts, Biblical words, Biblical events.  So, for example, we can make the doctrinal assertion that Jesus has conquered death because His physical resurrection, proclaimed in the Bible, tells us this.  Quite simply, when we have the right conclusions (pure doctrine), it's because we have the right source (the Bible).

And so, whenever you have the wrong conclusions, it's because you have the wrong source.  Whenever you hold to false doctrine, this happens because you're not properly connected to the Bible.  And whenever you believe things about God that are contrary to His Word, you're ultimately trying to revise the Scriptures, whether you realize it or not.  Generally speaking, the more you have to mangle what the Bible says to make it fit with what you believe, the worse the situation is.  BRR, therefore, is an attempt to show how false and dangerous various teachings are by showing how much they require you to change the original Biblical foundations.  It is also an attempt to be funny.  And it is an attempt to do both of these things in dramatic fashion.  Hence the "reenactment" part.

So let's begin.  Oh, but before we begin:

Note 1: BRR is, by nature, satirical.  The goal of satire is to show the foolishness of an idea by making fun of it.  Because I'm satirizing theological teachings in dramatic fashion, this means that each reenactment will have a Biblical setting and feature Biblical characters.  It is important to remember in all of this that I am not mocking the Bible.  I am mocking a denial of what actually happened in the Bible.  It's not much different than when Elijah mocks the prophets of Baal by suggesting that their false god has failed to answer their prayers because he's going potty.  So if you think I'm being irreverent, please make sure you've mastered the concept of nuance before getting mad at me.

Note 2:  Each edition of BRR will be presented in screenplay formatting so that it may be easily adapted into a film series.  My first choice for director is Jonathan Fisk.  If he's not available, I will settle for the universe's greatest Lutheran filmmaker: John Woo.

So, here we go.  For real this time.

Biblical Revisionism Reenactment #1: Pontius Pilate and the Chief Priests

Silly Teaching: Jesus was put to death for teaching people to be nice to each other.

EXT. PILATE’S PALACE - DAY

FADE IN:

PONTIUS PILATE approaches the door of his palace. CHIEF

PRIEST 1 and CHIEF PRIEST 2 run up to him, stopping him just

before he can open the door.

CHIEF PRIEST 1

Hey Pilate, we’d like a word with

you.

CHIEF PRIEST 2

Yeah, we don’t like what you wrote

above Jesus’ cross there.

PILATE

Oh, come on, guys. What I’ve

written I’ve written.  Alright, I

know you wanted it to say, "He said

I am King of the Jews," but you’re

just gonna have to get over it.

CHIEF PRIEST 2

What? King of the...No, what idiot

would want you to write that? No,

it should read, "This man told us

to be nice to each other."

PILATE

Uh...I’m sorry, what?

CHIEF PRIEST 1

Yeah, I know! Can you believe he

said that?

PILATE

No, I mean why would you want it to

say "he told us to be nice to each

other."

CHIEF PRIEST 2

Cause he totally said that!

PILATE

Well, yeah, I know. But what does

that have to do with his

crucifixion?

CHIEF PRIEST 1

What do you mean? That’s exactly

why we wanted him crucified!

PILATE

For saying "be nice?"

CHIEF PRIEST 2

Uh, yeah.

PILATE

Are you sure? Because I thought

you wanted him killed for saying he

was the Son of God. I thought that

was against your religion.

CHIEF PRIEST 2

Nah, that stuff was cool. It’s all

that nice talk that’s against our

religion.

PILATE

Being nice is against your

religion?

CHIEF PRIEST 1

Yeah. Seriously, you can check out

our books. It’s handed down from

Abraham. Dry shave the poor. Drop

kick the hungry. And kill anyone

who tells you to be nice.

PILATE

So when Jesus preached in his

hometown and people wanted to throw

him off a cliff, that wasn’t

because he said the Spirit of the

Lord was upon him. That was

because?

CHIEF PRIEST 2

He told them to hold the door open

for old ladies.

PILATE

And when you picked up stones to

throw at him, that wasn’t because

he claimed to be God. That was

because?

CHIEF PRIEST 1

He said you shouldn’t stab a guy if

he owes you money. We like

stabbing guys.

PILATE

And so that whole thing about how

you’d rat me out to Caesar if I

didn’t put him to death for

claiming to be your king?

CHIEF PRIEST 2

Yeah, we were just messing with

you. We just wanted him dead

before he told us to say "please"

and "thank you."

PILATE

OK, well, uh...You know, again,

I’ve written what I’ve

written. So, sorry.

CHIEF PRIEST 1

Oh, dude. Don’t apologize.

PILATE

Why not?

CHIEF PRIEST 2

Apologizing is nice.

CHIEF PRIEST 1

Yeah. And we don’t like nice.

Chief Priest 1 and Chief Priest 2 stare at Pilate,

intimidation oozing out of their eyes. Pilate
cautiously opens the door.

PILATE

OK, well, I’m just gonna...I’m

gonna go ahead and...

Pilate slips inside the door.

PILATE

You guys are weird.

Pilate slams the door shut.

FADE OUT.